Bring on the pain

Relationships don't really end here in Yogaland, they, like all energy, can only change. I find that I keep putting myself in the position over and over again to be hurt or offended by my former nonlover. What else do I call her? You can take yourself out of a situation, but here in the world of being deep in your shit, the universe has a way of putting it right in front of you.
I almost don't want to go into details, because they don't matter. What brought me to these feelings is far less important than what these feelings mean, where they have their root, and how I define myself by them. Freshman year of college, Rachel Hammer, we had a connection for sure, but how many times did she tell me she wasn't interested in a serious relationship? Didn't seem to stop me from deciding in my head that we were together. Didn't stop me from waiting up late at night when she went out, or demanding to know where she had been. I thought I was past this, and is so many ways I am. I'm not losing it, certainly not pursuing Ms. Yogaland, but those same feelings of self doubt, inadequacy force themselves into my mind.
I AM NOT MY INNER CRITIC, right David?
This is true, I can see that much even from my rather unpleasant vantage point. I still feel like I'm the only man who has gotten close to her in Yogaland who hasn't reaped the sexual benefits. Yes, this includes guests too. "It's because I like you so much."
The nice, sensitive, available guys of the world have been hearing this for aeons it feels. Actually, that's just projecting. I've been hearing that for 8 years or so. For a while I tried not to be nice, tried to be a bad boy, more aggressive, whatever it was that I thought women wanted. But better to follow your own dharma, though imperfectly, than the dharma of another perfectly.
Somewhere is a partner who wants exactly what I have to give. Until then, everything else is just training wheels, the minor leagues, dress rehearsals, practice before the big show. I am on every level OK with that, except when it lands right in my face and I actually have to feel these pesky feelings. Soldier on, spiritual man, soldier on.