Yesterday I ended a relationship, as much as a relationship can be ended. At no point was it sexual or even physical beyond a hug and kiss on the cheek (and 2 quick lip pecks). Regardless of that, it was one of the most intimate relationships I have ever been in. For the past 6 weeks or so she was a constant presence in my universe. We talked about a lot of things and sometimes we would just sit and I would smile at her, which made her smile back to me. I felt the need to end it for a number of reasons, thank goodness I have an outlet to write about them so they don't just run laps in my head.
First and foremost was a feeling that she wasn't being honest with me in regards to her relationship with her ex, who still lives in the community. My first assumptions that they were still being physically intimate proved to be wrong, but still she was relying on him for support. It created in me a whirlwind of emotions, many which were not justified by anyone's actions but still left me feeling 'less than.' After 2 years of being in Yogaland, there were a lot of things that she had not processed, waiting in the wings for her impending departure. For a while I felt so loved being privy to those things/people/events in her world. But as her time to leave Yogaland approached, those feelings of lingering emotional chaos intensified and I was not enough to help keep her on the ground. Jealousy is an ugly demon, and one that is far more prevalent within my ego than I would like.
Another factor, contributing to my ending things was a feeling within my body that I was giving too much of myself out to other people, so that when I needed to go to the well for myself, it was dry. As good as it felt to be a rock, a point of support for her, it was draining me, leaving me to feel empty. Perhaps a part of this is also that our relationship never developed sexually. In a brahmacharya world like Yogaland, the lack of sexual contact can become incredibly difficult. Couple that with the gremlin in me saying 'if she really loved you, she would sleep with you.' This point did not get its own paragraph because I believe it is secondary to the other contributing factors. I have had a lot of close relationships with women that have not developed sexually and it has not made me any less capable of providing support.
So now she is gone, both from my life and Yogaland. I catch myself looking down the hallway of her dorm, or checking common spaces I think she might be. I feel sad for my own loss, for pushing someone from my life who I could see in the morning before breakfast, or peek my head into her office and say hello during the day. I will miss her dancing.
There is something else at work here though, a feeling of guilt. In her time of need, I was not able or willing to stay by her side until the very end. Does that negate the beautiful times we had spent together until that point? Does it mean that I am incapable of having a relationship that is intimate and platonic at the same time? There is a definitely voice in my head that says I was a selfish bastard who couldn't think of someone else's needs. In my heart of hearts I know that isn't true, but knowing alone doesn't seem enough to quiet the demons.
I feel a real sense of loss. I feel like a segment of my time here has come to an end and rather than sending it off gracefully, I jettisoned it away with the force of a jealous brute. I wrote her a letter telling her how I felt and why I could no longer be a pillar of support for her. She said it was a beautiful letter. And she spent the day in tears.
Tears for what though? Sadness over the ending of something so powerful? Feelings of guilt that she wasn't what I needed? Or did I just add one too many straws onto her already unbearable burden and broke the levy of composure she had developed? Would knowing make it any easier? She would never, I believe, say or do anything to hurt me. Even if she thought I was a terrible person, she would not dream of telling me. It isn't in her to consciously hurt someone else. Maybe that is what comes from so much hurt being placed on her.
It is over, and it is for the best, but the suffering persists.
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