Avi is on his way up, should be here around11:30. I am feeling some hesitance, some resistance to his visit. Since getting here I have felt kind of disconnected from him. It's startlingly clear now why he and Jessie would never have worked in the long run. Once I got on this path, of spirituality, self inquiry, perhaps the path to enlightenment (for some anyway), I want the closest people to me to be guides on the path. Not necessarily teachers, but certainly peers who understand the vocabulary and some of the consequences of pursuing this life.
It is also possible that I'm feeling worried. What if people like him better than me? What if some volunteer I like thinks he's cute? These are such minimal, surface and superficial concerns and yet they are present in my mind. There has always been a little bit of that dynamic in our friendship. At Vibes, girls would talk to him, not me. Except for Shana. On the road I could watch his way with people and how they responded to him. I could have watched with awe, respect and love. But instead I saw it through jealous eyes.
Maybe being here will change that. We are so very different, he and I. Most of the time those differences compliment each other very nicely, and one on one we're a great pair. It will be interesting to see how my perspective of him, him social prowess and physical form will have changed after 9 weeks here. Not really sure what we'll do today. Maybe dance, eat lunch, yoga? smoke, just hang around. He is bringing some essential things from back home: running shoes, wall tapestry, some artwork, checkbook, passport. MassHealth is only a few short steps away.
All will be well. I'll meditate before he gets here and maybe go to the gym. It'll be nice to feel invigorated when he arrives, full of energy so we don't end up just sitting around. Maybe a hike? I'd love to show him the chimney. We actually could probably have a little fire out there. Now there's an idea...
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